How to deal with a very controling person in a church?
February 262010
Just wondering how to go about dealing with a very controlling person in our church. Several people have noticed this – not just us. My husband was the volunteer youth pastor at our church since 2004 – his heart is for youth ministry. A couple (much older than my husband and I – we’re in our 20’s, they’re in their 40’s) came in to "help out" and over the past 2 years have completely taken over, changed curriculum, won’t let us do any lessons, we can’t even talk about anything to the kids at youth group. We lost 2/3 of our youth group kids. We have had several complaints from parents of teens in our youth group that their kids don’t want to go to youth group now. This couple determines when we have or don’t have youth group (this is one of those nights they decided there would be no youth group) this afternoon, one of the teens called me up and asked if we could have a game night and fellowship tonight since this other couple decided that we weren’t having youth group (she is VERY controling), and I called her up to just let her know what we were doing and she flat out said "no", because neither she nor her husband would be there and would not let us have it no questions asked. This gal is like this in a lot of areas in the church. My husband and I are at our last straw with this. There is no discussion or decisions with this gal in anything in church (she’s involved in a lot of things) – it’s her way or no way at all. I’m sick of it – the youth kids aren’t getting anything out of it, and my husband and I are at our last straw. We’re seriously thinking about changing churches because we just can’t take this crap anymore. How can we deal with this? What should we do? I appreciate any advice. Thanks and God bless.
They pretty much just came in and said "hey, we want to help" 2 years ago and began taking over from there. They weren’t really asked by the church or anyone – that’s just what happened…
The kids tell my husband and I that they’re not getting anything out of it and that’s not the way that it should be. Youth ministry is not for the glory of the youth group leaders/pastor, it’s not something to step on to get another "look at me, look at what I do" thing – it’s for the kids. It’s how to show them that , "hey, God’s word really does apply to me and the things that I encounter every day such as authority, peer pressure, sex, homosexuality, drinking, drugs, stress, a world that is against God, and the like." Teaching them that there is an answer from the Lord for every situation that they come up against every day.
I would ask for a meeting with the Minister of the church to discuss the problem. I am sure that he has already noticed the youth membership dropping off and would be eager to rectify the situation. Then you might also suggest another meeting with the other couple to let them know that there are problems arising from their decisions.
I really hope you don’t feel the need to leave the church over this. It seems like the kids really look up to you and could use your support now.
February 27th, 2010 at 2:56 am
Stop going.
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February 27th, 2010 at 3:14 am
Tell her to back off or just don’t go
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February 27th, 2010 at 3:24 am
Easy. Don’t go to church. There’s nothing to be had there but lies and hypocrisy, anyway.
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February 27th, 2010 at 3:59 am
I would ask for a meeting with the Minister of the church to discuss the problem. I am sure that he has already noticed the youth membership dropping off and would be eager to rectify the situation. Then you might also suggest another meeting with the other couple to let them know that there are problems arising from their decisions.
I really hope you don’t feel the need to leave the church over this. It seems like the kids really look up to you and could use your support now.
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February 27th, 2010 at 4:17 am
I think you have come up with the right answer for yourself already. If you feel called to serve with a youth ministry and this couple is blocking your path, then I suggest it is time you change churches to one that will welcome your assistance. I would not be surprised if several other members of your churches congregation decide to join you as well. This couple seems like a prime example of why some churches have a dwindling membership.
I hope this helps.
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February 27th, 2010 at 4:56 am
Talk to your pastor, not that biatch.
edit: wow, "biatch" is now just abunch of asterisks.
well, you know…girl dogs is what I meant.
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February 27th, 2010 at 5:14 am
write a letter to the pastor. and a letter to the higher command of the church. If there isn’t a head quarters for the church, then I would definitely leave and contact as many of the youth that you can and tell them which new church that you plan to attend.
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February 27th, 2010 at 5:41 am
First Pray in all things. Talk with your pastor about what is going. It’s possible he may not be aware of it. Also, request that he appoints someone specifically to be the leader of the youth group. If your husband was asked to be the volunteer Youth Minister, than he will need to let the other couple know that he is the youth minister not them, but that he will still want their assistance. In no way should you allow them to cause conflict. If this happens, you will need to go to the pastor, as he is the overseer of the church, and ask him for his assistance, or suggest someone to assist you. However, realize that the pastor may choose to appoint the other gentleman as youth minister. If that is the case, then you will either have to abide by his decisions, or leave the youth ministry.
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February 27th, 2010 at 6:03 am
First, find out why this woman believes that she has the authority. Was she hired by the Church?
Second, if she was hired by the Church to do the youth ministry, then she does have the authority. If not, keep going.
Third – Why haven’t you talked to your pastor about this? He might have a different perspective/the ability to call this woman off. He also may have heard complaints from others as well about what this woman and her husband are doing.
Fourth – Stand up for yourself – but do it in such a way that is neither demeaning to others or yourself – always remain respectful of others no matter how much you are annoyed (which, pretty much sounds like what you’re doing anyways – but don’t ever let yourself get walked all over).
Did this woman get involved through just barging in, or was she invited to help out and sooner or later took over without asking if it was ok?
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February 27th, 2010 at 6:43 am
It is obvious to me you are dealing with a couple of devils. What devils do is they seek to destroy. Do not let these persons control you. Get with the kids and take back your youth group. Be aware when you do this, the devils will not go down without a fight. Your weapon is the kids. They will support you. Do not ask them for permission you dont need it. Just go do it. Get with the kids and if these two interfere have the kids get up and walk out. If you can get with your Pastor try to get is support. Tell him that these two are tearing down what you are trying to build. Dont worry about hurting feeling here. You have to fight for the kids
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February 27th, 2010 at 7:29 am
Take it to the pastor, or have a meeting to decide what to do with it, be open and discuss exactly how you feel. Change churches if you must.
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February 27th, 2010 at 8:16 am
As always, communication is the key – with all parties concerned. Be firm, be frank but most importantly BE CHRISTIAN!
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February 27th, 2010 at 8:41 am
Please tell me WHY do you go to church?
A Christain goes to church to worship God, many people misunderstand the Bible and leave the Church,Jesus said ”Follow Me………”, notice he did not say to follow them.If you are really a child of the living God,like you sound,and as you already know that Prayers can move mountains,then why not start praying for them,God IS Able to change stone-hearts into hearts of flesh. Think about it and give it a try.You will have a testimony to relate to.God Bless you.
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